Long time, no blogpost

Wow its been a while since I posted last. Looking at the date of my 'draft' that I just found it was right after my father had been in hospital. The next few months were all about getting him well and into a smaller, warmer apartment for the winter. Mission accomplished!

As you can see from my previous blog posts I was starting to enter a bit of a dark place and was sick of looking forward and trying to create plans when my here and now was in such disarray. I seem to have been conveniently distracted for the past 4 months with being a support person for my family, a redundancy, a successful job interview and a trip to Manila! That business trip was very challenging on my health but I also learnt a great deal about what I can achieve when I put my mind to it and how much stress I can tolerate without breaking into thousands of pieces, and it's a lot. My time in Manila has definitely strengthened my want to adopt, DH still not keen on the idea of adoption at all but I hope we can talk it through some more. 

We are struggling with decisions full-stop at the moment and they all seem to revolve around money, so sometimes its easiest not to make one and be indecisive. Renovations need to be done before to make our house more warm and comfortable for children however that money could be used for Fertility Cover, IVF insurance which would allow us a few more tries. It scares me to think we are even considering another IVF cycle or two when the others have gone so terribly. At what stage to you call it quits? when the money runs out or do you find a way to keep going?  

I have taken some time away from my IVF support groups. I was sick of hearing how negative I had become and tried to pretend i'm not in the same boat as them. My mind was made up, that I'm not going to ever give birth to a child, that wasn't the plan for us and that i'm going to grit my teeth and smile when I see their BFP's, their scan photos in my news feed and comment on how cute their babies are. Easier said than done, but I am trying, really, esp. when my dearest friend has given birth to the most beautiful wee girl one week ago today. I remember our long chats we used to have about when we will be parents. Heartbreaking for me, overjoyed for her.

Anyhoo that's enough of a pity party for one night. Writing helps, I will make sure I do it more often.