Moving forward...one step at a time

Wow no post since March! what have I been doing? what a year it has been. I have missed blogging as it gives me an opportunity to speak about things I don't normally stop to chat to those around me about. To record them to look back on. Its all part of my journey.

These past few months have been really tough. My father still struggles but is doing better, my brother had a life-changing move, My mother-in-law can't sell her house, my sister separated from her husband in a rough domestic situation which has been really hard on her and my nephews, my ex-brother in law is the true meaning of the world arse-hole and needs to do a better job as a father, my great-nieces have had a trying time also with similar situation with their parents. Its been rough to sit back and see a total disregard for a child's mental health for a parents own immature and selfish needs or wants. I'm still a bit bitter and twisted about it really. Is it because I think they should be grateful for the gift of parenthood, oh for sure! That's the hardest part.

We decided to push forward with our renovations before looking at another cycle and they have gone on for way to long and gone totally over budget so our idea of another cycle this year was put on the back-burner. We are hoping for next year but just when it starts to rain it ends up a torrential downpour. Between work, home, my DH's final papers of his degree I think we have enough on our plate, so we are taking it day-by-day.

Then...I met some ladies online... and they really have been my life-line. Its an international community of those who are childless 'not by choice'. I'm not going to go too much into it to protect their privacy but its a place I feel I can truly talk about how i'm feeling, and not be judged for being dark and twisty, they  fully understand and on occasion my positive outlook, which is most of the time, in turn has helped them when having a bad day. The 'mothers to be' group I am a part of is sometimes too hard as there has been a lot of BFPs lately and pics of their new babies. Truly happy for them but still...

So, does that mean im now sitting on the fence? One more ICSI cycle is what my husband and I had promised each other, but it just seems so out of reach now? have I moved on, am I content with our childless status, or have I given up? I can't really figure it out, all I know is that i'm actually fine, apart from being stressed out of my brain about all that's going on around me, I seem to still be doing fine.

We have another month or so to endure of moving out for remainder of our reno's, its a nice wee place to stay, im going to take the opportunity to meditate, read, colour, write/blog more and really do some soul-searching with DH and make some plans together for the year ahead. What good is a life you're not living?