So, childless not by choice aye?

So this week is Fertility Week, the week where people get to talk about whether they are or they aren't fertile and not sound like a broken record. There is a real stigma attached to infertility that annoys fertile people, once you have talked about it, shouldn't you stop going on about it? They don't go on about the fact that they cant stop having babies... why should you talk non-stop about not being able to have them? The fact is, we 'infertile' live it every day, think about it every day, dream about it every day. Reminded by pregnant bellies, cute facebook announcements, magazine articles, TV shows, movies, books, store sales... the list goes on. You fertile lot have babies cause its no big deal and move on with your life, progress, grow, accomplish and not that you notice it, moan, lots about how hard it is to parent, how you never get a break, you become quite ungrateful at times because no-one understands how hard it is. Imagine how hard it must be for us?

Anyway... so how do you make the decision to give up? make the final call? tell people you aren't rather than can't? Speak about it openly without the disappointment, pity or making people feel awkward. Ultimately the choice has been made for us but there is a still hope, still that chance, especially when we see donors, surrogates, adoptions, happy endings for some, just not for us? 

Is it wrong we are coming to grips with it? sometimes enjoying the fact? booking holidays on a whim, not having to worry about school holidays, spending money on the house, relaxing in the quiet, feeling relieved our children wont have to live through and see the terrors of the world?

Then I hug my nephews, or hold a newborn, or remember I'm not going to be a grandmother, or give my parents grand-kids and the anxiety of giving up, where the money will come from if we try again, the potential losses and my parents sadness, it all creeps back in. Will we, wont we? it seems like a revolving door. So, what if I put it out to the world, can I then take it back?

Decisions need to be made soon, maybe 2018 will be the year that makes us or breaks us.