Finality of things

I've been really bad with my posts this year.  It's time to get back on the wagon! I think my new years resolution has been to blog more before, this time I mean it. 2019 is going to be a lot different in many ways.

Its going to the year we finalising things to move on from our TTC journey. Last year I revisited by new Fertility Specialist/OB to let her know we have decided to end the journey... she almost looked relieved as she had been scratching her head on where to even start to plan a cycle for us. She agrees with me re the risk. It's so refreshing to have someone not pushing me towards a cycle they know has a low % of success and is high risk. We are now making a plan for more surgery potentially to sort my endo, potentially right ovary removal and more diagnostics. She would rather just place a Mirena as an easy fix but im fighting that one. I dont want one and neither does DH. I would rather have a hysterectomy but would only be possible if I had Adenomyosis. My latest Ultrasound doesnt show signs but I have many of the symptoms. Hysterectomies dont stop Endo. A real predicament at this stage.

This year has been especially bad for pregnancy announcements. Especially nearly all those friends my age or bit younger that I wondered if didnt have kids now are the going to? Could they? You never know others infertility struggles. It seems to be a taboo. Noone likes to admit they needed help like it makes it some kind of failure... I dont think I've 'failed'. There are far too many people in the world and far too many children  in care. I have family to care for already. It's what was meant to happen. I will still tell myself that regardless of whether it's true or not. Only way it keeps it bearable.

Another painful Xmas done. A new year. Doc appt in few weeks. Our focus is different this year its really time to move on and start living properly and appreciating each other and the precious time with our families.

Another update to come soon.

Turning 38

This birthday I did not think I would be or expect to be childless, vegan and sober! 

This birthday I expected to feel anger, despair and regret, that is not how I woke up this morning. I woke up with the love of my life handing me the sweetest card with the simplest message inside, to a job that I now having amazing flexibility in having had worked hard full time non-stop for the past 15 years, amazing messages flooding in from family and friends near and far letting me know how much I am thought of and loved and sitting down to a fun night of treats and movies with my best friend, what is there to be upset about?

You get one life. How you choose to live it is up to you and I choose happiness, its got to be happiness. Be kind, be thoughtful, be genuine but most of all be thankful. 

Who know what this new year will bring! A new direction at work, DH and I talking more about adoption and where we can make a difference in the world, supporting my family more cause I can, more amazing opportunities like seeing P!nk live in concert and just tonight another opportunity presented itself that would allow me to have a plan B in the way of social marketing and networking, I like the idea of that incase DH and I want to set up a business which we have talked about lots. 

So another year full of what if's? Is that such a bad thing? I think too much, plan too much, care too much but its all good energy that can be put to good use and to create good in the world.

Its time ... time to stop trying to build a life and just start living it for what it is.

P.S - and BLOG more! i say that every post haha