I have just had my monthly catch-up with my psychiatrist at the Eating Disorder Service. He was in a great mood but had to cut our session short this month as he had an acute case in Nelson he needed to Zoom in for in 25 mins. I felt for their family and wondered if at any stage he thought I was acute? He said on intake he believed I was on the line between compromised choices and critical illness. You see, I felt like I normally do, not unwell at all, but in a very hard way to explain.
Eating is no longer something I enjoy. It is a chore, it causes me no end of grief and it is now constantly a focus, which for some in ED recovery is not helpful you might say.
My diagnosis has caused me no end of grief, with my family, with my bank, with my work and pre-September 2024, it simply didn't exist. That's the weird part, just the wonder why food was my enemy, the thing I avoided the most. Many doctors have tried to get to the bottom of it, and the strang thing was, it as Anorexia Nevosa all along.
Now what? where to from here? My team at the service have been very patient in working out what my triggers were over these past 8 months (part of the SSCM Im receiving as an outpatient), what I can and can't or would or wouldn't eat. I slowly put on a gram here and there for many weeks, and while small gains were main, some regression happened too. The threat of being an inpatient and being tubed and force fed to gain a kg-a-week is what they use to keep you as an outpatient on a service that is constantly overwhelmed by the acutely ill.
He happily wrote me a medical certificate for work (they have banned me from using my sick leave after it became excessive between my appointments and the childrens), but now it means I have to talk to strangers about my ED, am I ready for that? He said I can continue reading his book and was happy I was finding it helpful, The Balanced Brain: The Science of Mental Health.
Hard part is while reading it I think I will end up back on the exercycle this week trying to finish it which might undo all my 'hard work' as it called it but I'm almost unable to stay awake through a paragraph, let alone a chapter, so needs must.
The content is similar to what I am learning through UC online's Wellbeing series (Pschology of Wellbeing, Lifestyle & Welling and now Nutrition & Wellbeing).Self-regulation appears to be key in recovery, but how do you regulate the overwhelming need to control your intake to feel a sence of normality? More reading and more study will hopefully help with that. I'm obviously partway there? Even though Im still fighting have I given up?
What I have learnt is stress is a massive factor, not to use that as an excuse, as that is one my Psychiatrist won't accept, it is my normal to retain control of possible binge eating from stress, to plan and restrict. Not only does that allow things to remain in my control, it is also because, I feel better empty and want to keep it that way, having what I need to 'survive', I don't care about the 'thrive' part. I just want to be comfortable, to be able to relax. Food robs me of that.
It was talk like that, the maltrution talking, my starved brain he says, that lead to my time on the service and my AN diagnosis in the first place. I'm not sure anyone actually understands my daily struggle, quite like DH and those in this very isolated and lonely space, my invisible illness, my EDS.
Food is my enemy, the instigater of fear, chronic pain, bloating, fatigue. Why? we don't know, a million reasons, we may never get to the bottom of the real why. I just know the more I do it the more I suffer. With Anorexia Nervosa some see the suffering as a visual thing, the gaunt face, the lack of strength, frailty.
The real suffering comes from trying to figure out how you got there in the first place! Obviously I am quite complex, there is a huge list of reasons, but on reflection this past week, I think I found my trauma point, the part that my family doesn't think exists or everyone has wrong.
The time I was dumped by someone I was obsessed with, that I thought wanted me for me and all that came with me. No, I came home one day to my posession in a dark, cold concrete garage, told to sleep there and then get out. Why? It appears because I was no longer wanted, I had put on weight, and when given the choice, 'fat' me was not what he wanted after all. Problem is, I wasn't fat? was it my bloating and distention from severe GI issues and undiagnosed food intolerances and connective tissue disorder? Who knows as it appears I have blocked parts of my adolence out. No, it was probably just regular old 16-17 year old me and all that came with me. From memory I called home and pleaded to come back. That is where I believe it may of started? I will do a whole separate post on the 'forgotten me' at some point.
My psychiatrist tried to tell me this week I looked better? When I questioned why I appeared 'better' and if I appeared to have put on weight, he said no, it was different to that and hard to explain. After many years on the service, he said I was 'present', in a way he couldn't explain but was pleased to see. I think he gave himself a pat on the back for that as I appeared to have a nearly 1kg gain since last month (46.4kgs). He asked if I was ok with that? was he expecting me to say no? Of course I said yes, truth or not.
I was surprised as I had not tried. If anything I thought I had restricted, maintained. Kept to my plan. Did it bother me? I think so? It's hard to tell as I came home and had dinner that night, just a small one. Maybe that was my brains way of saying 'you've got this'? We can do 50kgs easy! (my goal to get my life insurance back). I almost felt normal for a moment, normal thoughts, almost happy to have a positive experience. I appears I was wrong...
Regret. Almost instantly. Pain, fatigue, reflux, more pain. Was it worth it? no, will it pass? who knows. Will I do it again this week, probably not, Is that good for me? Probably not, will it stop me, probably not. These are the reasons I can't explain.
So I'm booked in for next month, will AN get a good hold of me again and I'll present with a loss? or will it be a further gain? All I know is that I'm bumbling around in this for the long-haul. It's a delicate balance between maintaining control and losing it all together, but I think I'm winning. I've been told I'm not being treated for severe and enduring, well not yet anyway? That means there is hope lurking around. That's apparently a good thing.
Distraction from thinking about food all the time is key, hard, but the only way through. Learning also helps. Seeking out the right healthcare for the rest of my chronic illness helps.
Finishing the book may help? I have my course, my CCI workbooks, I have supposedly got this. Again, time will tell.
