Post cycle craziness

Not sure I've gone through this every cycle? It feels different this time. I'm really struggling. Maybe it's the hormone levels re-adjusting, PMS, or the reality that my life is going nowhere yet again.

I'm so very sad...and angry... at everyone and everything. I don't get like this normally, usually there is a brightside to look on. I just cant find one this time. Thought I'd treat myself to a new haircut this weekend, to feel better about myself. Big mistake! I came home and without thinking took to it with a pair of scissors as one side looked longer which and threw me into another angry "nothing ever goes right" spiral. Now I have to look at it every morning knowing I can't fix it, wanting to go back and change it, change everything.

Maybe I could of done something different this cycle? Maybe we didnt try hard enough?

It's one of those times in your life that make you question every choice you've ever made. We should of saved more money, tried earlier, been healthier, had a different job, been nicer people. Why do we deserve this?

I'm hoping this doesn't last. It's a beautiful day out there. I've got a million things to do, people to see and all I want to do is go back to bed. This isn't me.

Review next week with our RE. Still have to wait until October for counselling appointment. Sigh.

Our second BFN and IMSI/IVF Fail #2

Well today was the day. Blood test was done early. I had to wait an hour this morning... talk about anxious! I was hoping to get in and out and off to work but instead was alone with my thoughts in the waiting room.

Pity I had to work today but remembered how terrible it was waiting at home on my own for news. It was good to be at work knowing the result was going to be waiting on the answering machine at home and that I wasn't going to have to answer a cell call. I wanted to find out with DH there this time.

I had that pit of my stomach feeling all day. Lots of texts from family and messages of support from my group and workmates got me through. The drive home was the longest... please, please, please be good news I kept telling myself.

First thing DH and I and did was listen to the message. I could tell as soon as I heard my nurses voice that it wasn't good news. Another BFN. Oh well, I was more prepared for that than a positive. I did not feel pregnant and I felt exactly the same as I did on our first cycle, a little premenstrual, loaded up on hormones but definitely not pregnant.

So, that is it then. Review appointment coming soon. Be good to talk it out with our specialist as not prepared to go near a private cycle at this stage, with the same numbers we would be risking $15k+ per cycle, we just don't have that kind of money. There is a type of insurance you can get where if you pay for two cycles you get a third free but still looking at $30k and no refund of you get pregnant first cycle. It's a lot of money! It's not just the getting pregnant for us, I could miscarry at any time and not be able to carry to term so we would want to look at using a surrogate, that's their medical costs, lawyers fee's... the list goes on and we still may not have success.

It's time to take a step back from IVF... to look at the foster and adoption option. DH not keen on this idea. It's not easy in New Zealand and we have not had a good experience with being foster parents. It is going to need a lot of research, talking, planning before we could even think about something like that. I have always wanted to, its not just about me though. It's about us. I just want us to be happy with whatever decision we make.

Time for some counselling through our clinic I think. We are both a bit lost now. I need to address the anger, jealousy and bitterness I have. I have alienated myself from others, especially those with kids as I can't bare to see how happy they are moving on, having fun when our lives have been standing still for so many years, like someone pushed the the pause button. 15 years of working full time hoping that one day I get to move on to a better job of being a mum, definitely not giving up on that part, we may not be biological parents in the future but we have so much love to give and I know we will make fantastic parents, to someone, somehow, someday.

What next? I will be continuing to blog about our next steps, outcomes of review appointment, whether or not we do a 4th IVF cycle. In the meantime DH and I need to go live life for a bit, get our house renovations done that have been sitting waiting for a whole year and we have a 10th wedding anniversary holiday to plan. We will get through this, we always do.