Ambivalence

My hope for todays appointment, our second opinion with our new Fertility clinic, was that we would have more of a plan? A yes or a no? a budget? Don't get me wrong it went great, our new specialist is amazing. But going private is expensive. NZ$250 for 30 mins of her time. She is very good at what she does tho.

We arrived early as another bonus for me is the new clinic is a 5 minute drive from my work and probably a 10 minute walk. The other clinic i used to have to leave 45 mins early and battle through traffic. Its nice to turn up to an appointment with time to spare, today it worked in our favour as the person before us ran late so she took us in first.

Dr told us that she had read our file first of, that really made me feel like we were in good hands as not many have done that in my medical past and I have to go over it all again, there were a few things I had to fill her in on... but she had the jist.

Time for my AMH level results..... the big I was most nervous about after 3 stim cycles... was 44! im ELATED! This puts me in the Green Zone (Above the 25th centile for younger, fertile women Very likely normal ovarian reserve – age is the best predictor of your future fertility 80% chance of 6 or more eggs in IVF), between the Average and 90th centiles even! Couldnt have had better news really. This now means I have a bit more time. The advice she gave us was that from 37 to 39 is when I need to be cycling next, sooner the better really as even though I have quantity at this stage, the quality will drop from 37 years of age. From 39 onwards are chances of normal embryos are very low. 

As for DH's sperm situation. Not great news Im afraid. We are looking like we will most definitely be needing TESE (biopsy of testicular tissue) during this next cycle. This means retrieving sperm before it comes in contact with semen (potentially containing antibodies). Problem is they cannot perform one even as a test prior to a cycle as the Embryologist has advised her that until they get into the ICSI setting we will not be able to tell if it was beneficial or not. If it is, we potentially might have a solution for better fertilisation rates and the possibility of freezing sperm for future cycles. They could get a biopsy and find that the antibodies have attacked already. Only time and surgery will tell, but DH has now agreed to the procedure finally so thats great.

We talked over all the options on the table with her, Lap resection again for Endo, Endo meds, TESE, Lap egg retrieval (too pricey), Donors, Surrogacy, Immuno-suppressants, the list goes on. 

Outcomes from today have been another appt booked for next week with my OB/GYN that did my last Lap/Endo-resection to talk about whether we need to go in again due to the abdo pain im experiencing and the bladder issues over past 12-24 months. Its been two years this month since my last surgery. She will also catch up with him about my previous surgery, have a look at the photos he took of my right ovary and uterus etc... they are just down the hall from each other in the same office. I think that work well, I'll be in good hands with them both, two very good specialist surgeons. As far as our Fertility Journey goes still no real plan as of yet, or budget, we need to decide what we want and need before we price it all up, I know this much its not going to be loose change, we are looking at at least NZ$16-20k, so we have to be smart. Make good choices. Trust the experts.

Next on the list is a appointment with my Colorectal Surgeon, trying to get sorted the pain im having in my right hip, my back and my sciatic nerve. Ive been in a lot of pain for the past few months and the GP thinks I should see a physio. With all that I have going on with my anatomy I want to check with my existing specialists first before throwing a Chiropractor or a Physio in there as well. I think its related to me sitting all day at work and then sitting when I get home in the evening, not enough moving around. Hoping that few exercises will help and its not something more sinister like a slipped disc. Forgotten what pain-free feels like, its always something with me. 

We haven't given up just yet so plenty more updates to come... watch this space!

New clinic, new path?

So we did it...eeek! Booked in for an info evening at the only other private Fertility Clinic here where we live. Its been nearly 1 year since our failed IMSI cycle, can't believe we have left it this long really, but lots has happened this past 6 months.

It was a nice evening put on by the clinic, snacks, drinks, no-one really spoke to each other which was very awkward, I knew there were probably a number of couples or ladies there from my FB group, think its about time I joined a support group to meet some of them really, as it would have been nice to chat to others that night, not really the way it works sometimes though.

After the presentation we were invited for a tour around the premises, very nice clinic indeed, so different from the last. This clinic was purpose built so the procedure rooms were massive, the after procedure waiting area was so open and light and the embryologist's lab was very nice, she explained what all the machines were and her 'day' as it is only her there. That was nice and we have never had the pleasure of finding out where our cells are cared for and our embryo's were conceived. The staff their seem really nice, most of which if not all have come from the other clinic in town.

I asked the embryologist on our tour if they offered IMSI as noticed they only had one ICSI microscope and straight away she could tell we were not 'first-timers'. So we stopped for a chat with her and one of the nurses as we filled out the forms re a consultation with them and free nurses visit offered for attending the evening.

We are a complicated case, there is no doubt about it. Even after just talking to us for a few minutes they were intrigued. We have at least 5 of the 'factors' on the infertility scale they talked about as part of the presentation and a huge file to boot so we headed off home to transfer that file over to them so they could have a read through. My OB/GYN that performed my Lap Surgery and removed my Endo has connections with the clinic so that is great also, I think we are going to be in really good hands, not that I wasn't at our previous clinic but think now we will be paying upwards of NZ$15,000 we get to choose. We are booked in for a consult on 1st September, AMH bloods done (please let those numbers still look ok) and DH is now mentally preparing for the possibility of a biopsy as a TESE is something that should have happened right from the start. Amazing its these guys first thought reading our file, Ive been saying it every cycle, wonder why we weren't listened to, was it because we were funded? shouldn't matter but it does.

This is it though, this consult matters the most. This is the one where I have asked them to tell us 'is it still possible?'. We are prepared to use a surrogate this time if that is even an option. I just dont want false hope anymore. I want to know what our future holds.

Now to find the money, really tempted to start a GoFundMe/GiveALittle page, dont want to be 'that couple' but realistically with reno's we desperately need, family members we care for, new car I need, it may be a while before we can try again. SUCKS! but such is life. DH and I are still telling ourselves it was 'meant to happen this way...there is a reason we are still childless as we have been able to help others,' I have to keep believing it otherwise it is all too much to bare. When is it our turn for something great to happen for us? Thats kind of what getting my house ready is about. I need something to go right. To feel some joy for a while. Its not that im not grateful for what I do have.