Long time, no blogpost

Wow its been a while since I posted last. Looking at the date of my 'draft' that I just found it was right after my father had been in hospital. The next few months were all about getting him well and into a smaller, warmer apartment for the winter. Mission accomplished!

As you can see from my previous blog posts I was starting to enter a bit of a dark place and was sick of looking forward and trying to create plans when my here and now was in such disarray. I seem to have been conveniently distracted for the past 4 months with being a support person for my family, a redundancy, a successful job interview and a trip to Manila! That business trip was very challenging on my health but I also learnt a great deal about what I can achieve when I put my mind to it and how much stress I can tolerate without breaking into thousands of pieces, and it's a lot. My time in Manila has definitely strengthened my want to adopt, DH still not keen on the idea of adoption at all but I hope we can talk it through some more. 

We are struggling with decisions full-stop at the moment and they all seem to revolve around money, so sometimes its easiest not to make one and be indecisive. Renovations need to be done before to make our house more warm and comfortable for children however that money could be used for Fertility Cover, IVF insurance which would allow us a few more tries. It scares me to think we are even considering another IVF cycle or two when the others have gone so terribly. At what stage to you call it quits? when the money runs out or do you find a way to keep going?  

I have taken some time away from my IVF support groups. I was sick of hearing how negative I had become and tried to pretend i'm not in the same boat as them. My mind was made up, that I'm not going to ever give birth to a child, that wasn't the plan for us and that i'm going to grit my teeth and smile when I see their BFP's, their scan photos in my news feed and comment on how cute their babies are. Easier said than done, but I am trying, really, esp. when my dearest friend has given birth to the most beautiful wee girl one week ago today. I remember our long chats we used to have about when we will be parents. Heartbreaking for me, overjoyed for her.

Anyhoo that's enough of a pity party for one night. Writing helps, I will make sure I do it more often.

Bah Humbug

I randomly decided to stop at a beauty place today that I don't normally go to while waiting for my sister, eyebrows needed a tidy up. The beautician and I moaned about the Zen music playing. I then mentioned the annoying music in my prenatal yoga DVD i had while doing IVF. She asked how many cycles. When I said 3 unsuccessful she said please don't give up. She has had a real run of it, lots of cysts, operations, blocked tube, missing ovary and told at 21 yrs old she was unlikely to ever get pregnant. She gave up for years, went overseas and went to hospital with what she thought was appendix pain and told her she is as pregnant but is was ectopic and probably wouldn't survive. Shes now 7 months along. Miracles do happen. I had started to give up on the thought that it might actually happen for me. I think her and I were suppose to meet today.

So it has been a while. The past few months have been tough. We have been a bit mad and a bit sad. Just trying to deal with it the best we can. Between work, study and family we have been kept busy which is a good thing. Choosing not to think about it right now.

We have booked the most amazing trip away for a couple of nights for our 10th wedding anniversary and hoping to sit in the quiet in the bush somewhere and make some decisions. We are attending an Information Evening with Child, Youth and Family in the new year to talk about Adoption and Home for Life options so we have all cards on the table.

This year has been pretty challenging so I'm looking forward to a new year. I will endeavor to blog more as it helps to organise my thoughts.

Merry Xmas. Number 13 just DH and I. Can't wait till its over just like every year. Bah Humbug.

Review #3 & Counselling

So our review went well. Everyone was a bit bummed about our second BFN as they all had high hopes as the meds and egg retrievals seem to go quite well. We all agreed that once again our embryo's were not developing well enough to survive. Time to find out why.

We had chromosomal tests done that afternoon which took several weeks to come back but I'm glad to say there are no chromosomes missing. Thank christ for that, not sure how we would of taken that news. Next is DH's sperm DNA test, that will be in the new year. We just need a break for now, from it all. 

Counselling really helped and made us feel less guilty about being mad, jealous and sad. We have every right to feel this way, everyone in our situation does, its only those who have been there that truly understand how infertility feels. Would recommend even if you think you don't need it, you really actually do. It helps to talk about it with someone that knows these situations all too well. She was very helpful, we even talked to her about our feelings about Adoption, Home for Life and our past experiences with fostering.

We are taking some time out. Lots going on at the moment. just need to breathe for a while. 

Post cycle craziness

Not sure I've gone through this every cycle? It feels different this time. I'm really struggling. Maybe it's the hormone levels re-adjusting, PMS, or the reality that my life is going nowhere yet again.

I'm so very sad...and angry... at everyone and everything. I don't get like this normally, usually there is a brightside to look on. I just cant find one this time. Thought I'd treat myself to a new haircut this weekend, to feel better about myself. Big mistake! I came home and without thinking took to it with a pair of scissors as one side looked longer which and threw me into another angry "nothing ever goes right" spiral. Now I have to look at it every morning knowing I can't fix it, wanting to go back and change it, change everything.

Maybe I could of done something different this cycle? Maybe we didnt try hard enough?

It's one of those times in your life that make you question every choice you've ever made. We should of saved more money, tried earlier, been healthier, had a different job, been nicer people. Why do we deserve this?

I'm hoping this doesn't last. It's a beautiful day out there. I've got a million things to do, people to see and all I want to do is go back to bed. This isn't me.

Review next week with our RE. Still have to wait until October for counselling appointment. Sigh.

Our second BFN and IMSI/IVF Fail #2

Well today was the day. Blood test was done early. I had to wait an hour this morning... talk about anxious! I was hoping to get in and out and off to work but instead was alone with my thoughts in the waiting room.

Pity I had to work today but remembered how terrible it was waiting at home on my own for news. It was good to be at work knowing the result was going to be waiting on the answering machine at home and that I wasn't going to have to answer a cell call. I wanted to find out with DH there this time.

I had that pit of my stomach feeling all day. Lots of texts from family and messages of support from my group and workmates got me through. The drive home was the longest... please, please, please be good news I kept telling myself.

First thing DH and I and did was listen to the message. I could tell as soon as I heard my nurses voice that it wasn't good news. Another BFN. Oh well, I was more prepared for that than a positive. I did not feel pregnant and I felt exactly the same as I did on our first cycle, a little premenstrual, loaded up on hormones but definitely not pregnant.

So, that is it then. Review appointment coming soon. Be good to talk it out with our specialist as not prepared to go near a private cycle at this stage, with the same numbers we would be risking $15k+ per cycle, we just don't have that kind of money. There is a type of insurance you can get where if you pay for two cycles you get a third free but still looking at $30k and no refund of you get pregnant first cycle. It's a lot of money! It's not just the getting pregnant for us, I could miscarry at any time and not be able to carry to term so we would want to look at using a surrogate, that's their medical costs, lawyers fee's... the list goes on and we still may not have success.

It's time to take a step back from IVF... to look at the foster and adoption option. DH not keen on this idea. It's not easy in New Zealand and we have not had a good experience with being foster parents. It is going to need a lot of research, talking, planning before we could even think about something like that. I have always wanted to, its not just about me though. It's about us. I just want us to be happy with whatever decision we make.

Time for some counselling through our clinic I think. We are both a bit lost now. I need to address the anger, jealousy and bitterness I have. I have alienated myself from others, especially those with kids as I can't bare to see how happy they are moving on, having fun when our lives have been standing still for so many years, like someone pushed the the pause button. 15 years of working full time hoping that one day I get to move on to a better job of being a mum, definitely not giving up on that part, we may not be biological parents in the future but we have so much love to give and I know we will make fantastic parents, to someone, somehow, someday.

What next? I will be continuing to blog about our next steps, outcomes of review appointment, whether or not we do a 4th IVF cycle. In the meantime DH and I need to go live life for a bit, get our house renovations done that have been sitting waiting for a whole year and we have a 10th wedding anniversary holiday to plan. We will get through this, we always do.

2WW - 8dpt - Deja Vu

And then there was ONE. This situation seems a little familiar.

So took the day off today to help my Dad out with transport to a hospital appt. An afternoon at home staring at an envelope I was too scared to open without DH was not a great idea.

I talked to my support group and they suggested waiting till BETA day... nope, want to be able to digest the news, however bad, in small pieces thanks.

So news today neither Hope or Chance made it. No frosties. No second or third transfer. This is it. It all comes down to Precious sticking.

We are feeling a range of emotions today. Trying very hard to stay positive for BETA on Friday. Think its time to look at the budget and start planning/saving for a possible 4th cycle. Maybe. Dunno.

3 more sleeps. Then we will decide. Maybe we just weren't suppose to be parents. Don't know why, we'd make pretty great ones.

2WW - 7dpt - Still no letter

So no letter again today... arghh! I think the crazy might be setting in a bit. Lucky I have good friends and supportive family to talk me off the ledge. Had a small meltdown when home from work and I  just turned on some James Bay and cooked tea was over my wee tanty in minutes. I have to keep reminding myself that stressing isnt going to change the outcome and will use all my remaining energy.

Till tomorrow.... I have day off and no.. I won't spend it staring at the letterbox haha.