Bah Humbug

I randomly decided to stop at a beauty place today that I don't normally go to while waiting for my sister, eyebrows needed a tidy up. The beautician and I moaned about the Zen music playing. I then mentioned the annoying music in my prenatal yoga DVD i had while doing IVF. She asked how many cycles. When I said 3 unsuccessful she said please don't give up. She has had a real run of it, lots of cysts, operations, blocked tube, missing ovary and told at 21 yrs old she was unlikely to ever get pregnant. She gave up for years, went overseas and went to hospital with what she thought was appendix pain and told her she is as pregnant but is was ectopic and probably wouldn't survive. Shes now 7 months along. Miracles do happen. I had started to give up on the thought that it might actually happen for me. I think her and I were suppose to meet today.

So it has been a while. The past few months have been tough. We have been a bit mad and a bit sad. Just trying to deal with it the best we can. Between work, study and family we have been kept busy which is a good thing. Choosing not to think about it right now.

We have booked the most amazing trip away for a couple of nights for our 10th wedding anniversary and hoping to sit in the quiet in the bush somewhere and make some decisions. We are attending an Information Evening with Child, Youth and Family in the new year to talk about Adoption and Home for Life options so we have all cards on the table.

This year has been pretty challenging so I'm looking forward to a new year. I will endeavor to blog more as it helps to organise my thoughts.

Merry Xmas. Number 13 just DH and I. Can't wait till its over just like every year. Bah Humbug.

Review #3 & Counselling

So our review went well. Everyone was a bit bummed about our second BFN as they all had high hopes as the meds and egg retrievals seem to go quite well. We all agreed that once again our embryo's were not developing well enough to survive. Time to find out why.

We had chromosomal tests done that afternoon which took several weeks to come back but I'm glad to say there are no chromosomes missing. Thank christ for that, not sure how we would of taken that news. Next is DH's sperm DNA test, that will be in the new year. We just need a break for now, from it all. 

Counselling really helped and made us feel less guilty about being mad, jealous and sad. We have every right to feel this way, everyone in our situation does, its only those who have been there that truly understand how infertility feels. Would recommend even if you think you don't need it, you really actually do. It helps to talk about it with someone that knows these situations all too well. She was very helpful, we even talked to her about our feelings about Adoption, Home for Life and our past experiences with fostering.

We are taking some time out. Lots going on at the moment. just need to breathe for a while. 

Post cycle craziness

Not sure I've gone through this every cycle? It feels different this time. I'm really struggling. Maybe it's the hormone levels re-adjusting, PMS, or the reality that my life is going nowhere yet again.

I'm so very sad...and angry... at everyone and everything. I don't get like this normally, usually there is a brightside to look on. I just cant find one this time. Thought I'd treat myself to a new haircut this weekend, to feel better about myself. Big mistake! I came home and without thinking took to it with a pair of scissors as one side looked longer which and threw me into another angry "nothing ever goes right" spiral. Now I have to look at it every morning knowing I can't fix it, wanting to go back and change it, change everything.

Maybe I could of done something different this cycle? Maybe we didnt try hard enough?

It's one of those times in your life that make you question every choice you've ever made. We should of saved more money, tried earlier, been healthier, had a different job, been nicer people. Why do we deserve this?

I'm hoping this doesn't last. It's a beautiful day out there. I've got a million things to do, people to see and all I want to do is go back to bed. This isn't me.

Review next week with our RE. Still have to wait until October for counselling appointment. Sigh.

Our second BFN and IMSI/IVF Fail #2

Well today was the day. Blood test was done early. I had to wait an hour this morning... talk about anxious! I was hoping to get in and out and off to work but instead was alone with my thoughts in the waiting room.

Pity I had to work today but remembered how terrible it was waiting at home on my own for news. It was good to be at work knowing the result was going to be waiting on the answering machine at home and that I wasn't going to have to answer a cell call. I wanted to find out with DH there this time.

I had that pit of my stomach feeling all day. Lots of texts from family and messages of support from my group and workmates got me through. The drive home was the longest... please, please, please be good news I kept telling myself.

First thing DH and I and did was listen to the message. I could tell as soon as I heard my nurses voice that it wasn't good news. Another BFN. Oh well, I was more prepared for that than a positive. I did not feel pregnant and I felt exactly the same as I did on our first cycle, a little premenstrual, loaded up on hormones but definitely not pregnant.

So, that is it then. Review appointment coming soon. Be good to talk it out with our specialist as not prepared to go near a private cycle at this stage, with the same numbers we would be risking $15k+ per cycle, we just don't have that kind of money. There is a type of insurance you can get where if you pay for two cycles you get a third free but still looking at $30k and no refund of you get pregnant first cycle. It's a lot of money! It's not just the getting pregnant for us, I could miscarry at any time and not be able to carry to term so we would want to look at using a surrogate, that's their medical costs, lawyers fee's... the list goes on and we still may not have success.

It's time to take a step back from IVF... to look at the foster and adoption option. DH not keen on this idea. It's not easy in New Zealand and we have not had a good experience with being foster parents. It is going to need a lot of research, talking, planning before we could even think about something like that. I have always wanted to, its not just about me though. It's about us. I just want us to be happy with whatever decision we make.

Time for some counselling through our clinic I think. We are both a bit lost now. I need to address the anger, jealousy and bitterness I have. I have alienated myself from others, especially those with kids as I can't bare to see how happy they are moving on, having fun when our lives have been standing still for so many years, like someone pushed the the pause button. 15 years of working full time hoping that one day I get to move on to a better job of being a mum, definitely not giving up on that part, we may not be biological parents in the future but we have so much love to give and I know we will make fantastic parents, to someone, somehow, someday.

What next? I will be continuing to blog about our next steps, outcomes of review appointment, whether or not we do a 4th IVF cycle. In the meantime DH and I need to go live life for a bit, get our house renovations done that have been sitting waiting for a whole year and we have a 10th wedding anniversary holiday to plan. We will get through this, we always do.

2WW - 8dpt - Deja Vu

And then there was ONE. This situation seems a little familiar.

So took the day off today to help my Dad out with transport to a hospital appt. An afternoon at home staring at an envelope I was too scared to open without DH was not a great idea.

I talked to my support group and they suggested waiting till BETA day... nope, want to be able to digest the news, however bad, in small pieces thanks.

So news today neither Hope or Chance made it. No frosties. No second or third transfer. This is it. It all comes down to Precious sticking.

We are feeling a range of emotions today. Trying very hard to stay positive for BETA on Friday. Think its time to look at the budget and start planning/saving for a possible 4th cycle. Maybe. Dunno.

3 more sleeps. Then we will decide. Maybe we just weren't suppose to be parents. Don't know why, we'd make pretty great ones.

2WW - 7dpt - Still no letter

So no letter again today... arghh! I think the crazy might be setting in a bit. Lucky I have good friends and supportive family to talk me off the ledge. Had a small meltdown when home from work and I  just turned on some James Bay and cooked tea was over my wee tanty in minutes. I have to keep reminding myself that stressing isnt going to change the outcome and will use all my remaining energy.

Till tomorrow.... I have day off and no.. I won't spend it staring at the letterbox haha.

2WW - 6dpt - Over halfway there

So I made it to the weekend! Who would have thought two days at work would have been sooo draining. I'm kind of glad I went back as it was good to be kept busy and feel normal for a few days. Not sure anyone likes my brutal honesty these hormone medications have brought me this cycle. I'm sure they will get over it. Works been very tiring tho and not so great having to do my pessaries at work but at least it's for only my 3pm lot. It's all for a very good cause!

This weekend has been good. I have been out to the shops with my DH so that was a good walk around and managed a few light chores done, few loads of washing, little bit of vacuuming. Rest of the weekend has been spent on the couch tho. DH treated me with a new computer hooked up to our TV so I'm now able to blog from here so pretty pleased about that, blogging via my phone was a drag, sooo much editing required!

So these past few days my embryo has meant to have been implanting. That has been the hardest part to get my head around, how can you just carry on as normal when you know that a tiny wee bundle of cells is trying desperately to attach itself to your body. So every time I bend over, crouch down, carry something, sneeze, cough, get a fright... these all lead to pangs of fear, guilt and frustration of not knowing what's going on in there.

Tomorrow implantation will or will not be complete. It will or will not have attached. These next few days are going to be the biggest struggle I think, waiting for any sign or symptom that it might have worked as HCG will start producing by Tuesday or Wednesday this week. I thought ahead and got myself a de-stressing colouring book. I shall start tomorrow night and just try and zone out for a while.

Letter did not arrive this weekend to let us know re our other two embryo's so I was a bit bummed about that. I'm sure it will come tomorrow, what's one more day of waiting right. That has me so anxious as we will find out if we have any more chances left, this may be the end of the road for us.

Deep breath. Tomorrow is a new day. 

2WW - 2dpt - The first two days

So. Rest up they say. Don't try and do too much. Easier said than done! this time I haven't been so obsessed with not moving like I was last time haha. My body is telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing. I've had a lot of cramping and back pain which I'm putting down to my ovaries recovering. Trying to drink a lot of water and move around as much as I can as that helps. The nausea has calmed down a bit which is nice as I'm trying to eat as much good food as possible to keep my energy levels where they need to be. 

I've decided to wait for my letter from the clinic about Hope and Chance. I really want DH to be there when I find out their fate. The letter should be sent on Thursday/Day 6 (freezing day) so I should have it by Friday or Saturday hopefully.

I've managed a bit of washing, loading and unloading the dishwasher, lighting the fire. The housework is piling up around me now and i'm trying to ignore it, at least for the first few days. My DH cleaned up his office on the weekend so I'm hiding out there with the cats for a few hours a day. Thank goodness for the internet. Trying not to symptom google though but did find this very helpful chart. I'm currently at 2dpt (days past transfer).

Days past 3 day transfer	Embryo Development
1	The embryo continues to grow from a 6-8 cell embryo into a morula (16-64 cells)
2	The cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst (70-100 cells)
3	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
4	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
5	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
6	Implantation continues
7	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetal cells begin to develop
8	Placenta cells secrete human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) into the blood stream
9	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
10	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
11	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy on HPT. GO TEST!! (if you haven't already...)

Trying to decide if I go back to work tomorrow, if that is the best thing to do. It's really just a drive there, short walk and sitting at a desk all day. Its going to be no different to being here. I'll just be warm and distracted which sounds good to me! There is not much else I can do to improve the outcome really. I'm not bungy jumping or running marathons, pulling all nighters or doing the spring cleaning. I just don't want to catch any of the colds and flu's going round there at the moment. Decision to make by tonight I suppose.

Anyhoo....that's all to report for now. Only 2 days in!! 9 to go. Trying to stay positive.

TTC - IMSI cycle #2 (IVF cycle #3) - CD18 - PUPO!!... again

The day started with me refusing to get out of bed. It's cold today and I'm not in the mood to start the fire plus we are running out of firewood again so I lay in till DH went to work. 

It turns out I poorly timed my morning as it wasn't long before DH turned up home to pick me up and I was running behind so I quickly got dressed and we jumped in the car and calmly drove as quick as we could to the clinic. Good we were running late as once again I overdid it with the water consumption, bit uncomfortable however nowhere near as bad as last time. Glad he was driving and not me. We found a park and got in there with time to spare.

We weren't there for long and the nurse came and took me in so I could gown up and prepare for when my RE was ready. She was about 15 mins away. She took me to the transfer room and I sat for a bit talking to her before the Embryologist came for a chat. Was soooo nerve-wracking to hear the news but relieved to learn that all three Embryo's divided! Thank goodness, that's the first hurdle!

Precious (seen below), the embryo we transferred today, the front-runner is only at 7 cells and slightly fragmented which makes me nervous (fragmentation). Emby1 our first transfer was an 8 cell with no fragmentation. Normally they would have more to choose from and let them progress to Day 5 before they choose and assess the grade during that time. DH and I don't have that option so they will just have to go with what they have and cross everything and hope for a miracle! My RE was a little disappointed that the 8 mature eggs didn't fertilise better but also agreed it was better than none at all.

Hope and Chance are still in the running however are only at 4 & 5 cells and have quite a bit of catching up to do. They will check them again on Day 5 (Wednesday) and let us know the outcome. If they look good they might even let one go till Day 6 and then freeze. Pleeeease let us come out of this with some decent grade frosties!

The procedure didn't take long at all, I was a lot calmer this time around and was relieved to hear when the Embryologist confirmed the catheter was clear after the transfer. It made it in there just fine. Now to look after it for the next 10 days. I have the next 2 days off work for some sleep-ins and to eat properly and rest up. I'm not sitting down for the next two days with my feet in the air though. You don't get the luxury of waiting at the clinic for hours with you feet up like you do in the US. They literally want you to continue as normal as possible, just no spas or baths, lucky I don't like either. No heavy lifting or running too much. Moving around improves blood flow so if the weather improves I'm planning a gentle walk tomorrow and next day.

So there you have it. Pregnant until proven otherwise... again. Our clinic even said they are hoping this is it for us. Hoping for a miracle!! Keep everything crossed for us.

BETA test - Friday 4th September. The 2WW begins.

TTC - IMSI cycle #2 (IVF cycle #3) - CD16 - How many made it?

We woke very early as I didn't want to be half asleep when we got the call from the clinic.

I had breakfast and mooched around in my pjs waiting for the phone to ring... they were actually very punctual and phoned when they said they would, shortly after 9.00am.

Out of the 9 eggs we collected 8 were mature which is fantastic and out of those the finally tally for fertilisation was.... 3 Embryos! 

We were ecstatic as that could have very easily been none... we were thankful that obviously the IMSI had worked better this time and that we had a better result, one more than last time!

We are unsure of the quality at this stage but the embryologist sounded very happy with the result so they must be doing better than last time. We are now booked for a Day 3 Transfer again as you have to have 4+ embryos to have a 5 Day transfer. I'm excited to get one on board the mother-ship and see how the other two progress. I would love to have asked for two back but that is too risky with my uterus and we have a small chance of one splitting let alone two and I don't have the room for 4 in there! and it does happen... check out this blog The Quad Squad.

So Monday morning we will be transferring Precious back in... that will be the one that will be most ready... then Hope and Chance will have to wait and see how they progress over the coming days, will get a photo of them all and post on Monday.

Looking forward to it even though inside I'm terrified of the outcome. One day at a time right.

TTC - IMSI cycle #2 (IVF cycle #3) - CD15 - Egg Collection

Egg Collection day!!! it was finally here. 

We were very lucky to get to this point again I think. Trigger on Wednesday went really well on after fourth lot of bloods that week to confirm my hormone levels were where they needed to be. Was glad for that to be my last blood test for a while after two nurses on Wednesday morning butchered my vein, but no, another blood test required for Thursday to confirm trigger worked. Maybe this one will be my last.

My nurse said she would only call on Thursday if the trigger didn't work so when i didn't hear from her by 5.00pm Thursday, I was relieved. I knew we were ready though as I was now starting to get very unconformable, especially on my right side as that ovary is way closer to the skin and gets squished up when i bend over.

We had to be at our Fertility clinic early again, 9.30am, not as early as last time so that was good. We arrived at 9.00am-ish as DH had decided to do his part at home this time which was heaps nicer for him, we wrapped it up in a merino sock and tried to keep it as warm as we could on the way there. The Men's Room at the clinic is right next to the lab and says it's sound proof but you can hear all the lab staff talking through the wall, plus it's like a little sick bay area with a crackly radio and a draw full of magazines which you wouldn't wanna touch really haha.  

We still were waiting at 9.30am as they were running behind so really werent taken until 10.00am. One of the nurses came and got us and took us to what i call the holding bay to do blood pressure, give me my sleepy meds, get me gowned up and warm my hands up ready for the doctor to put my line in. They only gave me half a tablet this time so I was loads more awake and making more sense DH said. It was nice for him to wait with me this time as last time he was off doing his thing. He helped me get changed and put my clothes away for me and put on my lucky socks.

Once my line was in they walked me down to the collection room where there was one nurse and two embryologist team ready waiting. The specialist started by scanning to have a look and noticed there was still sizeable blood vessel sitting in-front of my left ovary which was there on my original scan earlier in the week, they were wanting to be very careful so they didn't puncture it as that would have caused them a few issues. She then proceed to clean the area internally with a piece of gauze, that was hideously painful and that is when she realised the assisting nurse hadn't given me my pain relief yet. She quickly injected that into my arm which worked straight away and I was all of a sudden woozy. She said if I wanted more just to let her know. I think that was plenty. My bladder had somehow filled quite quickly again after trying to go two times prior to the procedure (i think that is the meds) so she quickly had to empty that with a catheter before we could proceed. Thank goodness i was drugged for that part. Also not very comfortable.

The draining of my follicles was the painless and easy part once she administered a local anaesthetic beforehand, I could watch on the screen as I was more awake this time so that was really cool. I don't know how she could make out what was what but she did and the embryologist kept letting us know how many had been collected... 1...2...6... and finally 9 eggs! Brilliant news, that meant all 9 of my follicles were drained successfully. Right all done, was all done very quickly. I was checked to make sure my blood vessel hadnt been compromised and then was popped in a wheelchair and wheeled into the tiny little ward room that they have to wake up properly. 

I was soo comfortable sitting in that lazy-boy with a little duvet and a hot water bottle that I didn't want to leave! It was a cold morning My blood pressure was taken again and looked fine, I was them given another shot in my stomach as I had used a Bureslin trigger shot, I had that last time too. Then I was given a hot drink and muffin as they like to know you are ok to eat and drink before you go. I was very awake which meant I could get dressed and leave earlier than expected but did use that time to text everyone and let them know the results. We were off home by midday and Fraser went off to work while I relaxed on the couch. I was very crampy for the rest of that day and ended up taking more panadol and crashing on the couch early that night.

Now the wait is on! we don't find out the results till the following day....

TTC - IMSI cycle #2 (IVF cycle #3) - CD11

Today was follow up follicle scan. There was good news and not so good news.

Good news is that I still have 9 follicles on my left which seem to have progressed. Largest at 17mm, smallest is about 12 mm which i think is still ok to collect from. 2 more days of Gonal F & Orgalutran injections then Blood test Wed to confirm time for trigger that night. Egg Collection booked for Friday!

Not so good news is from what they can see the right is under performing with only one decent sized follicle at 20mm. It's a pain as i think there is more there we just can't see it so surgery wont be going ahead. I was hoping for quantity again for this cycle.

Reality is that I could still end up with good quality eggs and all could fertilise this time. It only takes one good one and for one to stick. I have heard miracle stories through my support group and really believe it's time something fantastic happened for us, would be the best 10th wedding anniversary present for us next year.

Why do I not have more faith, hope and positivity this time round? is it because i prepare myself well for bad news?

Got to just get to and through Friday first then we shall see. Deep breath.

Next update will be CD13.

TTC - IMSI cycle #2 (IVF cycle #3) - CD8

Scan day! Went on my own today as DH still crook. Hes on antibiotics now so should be right by collection next week. It wasn't right for him to be bringing germs to the clinic.

Was nice and early for bloodtest and scan appt so nice not to be rushing. Im exhausted today, cant stop yawning. Just wish i could get to bed early. It never happens tho.

Saw another specialist today as mine doesnt work Fridays. She started my trying to find right ovary and i reminded her she wouldn't and straight away she said "ive scanned you before havent I".

Left ovary was very visible today with at least 9 decent size follicles which is great news,  last month I only had a few by that stage. Measuring in at largest few 12 mm there's a good chance theyll grow well through to Monday for second scan. Right ovary is lagging behind with only 4 that she could see. Still largest at 10-12 so thats good. Problem is it was hiding behind my bowels. I think there is a few more hiding there. Ill get them to have a good look Monday. I REALLY want laprascopic retrieval this time round. I need all the eggs i can get. Grow follies grow!

Three more days of Gonal F and Orgalutran and then back for scan two. They will decide then if we're ready, day for trigger and confirm collection day. If we track ok it will be one week from now.

Will update again once test results received.

TTC - IMSI cycle #2 (IVF cycle #3) - CD2-6

Stimming has been going really well this time around. Ive made more time to relax pre-injections and the Gonal F pen is way easier to use than the puregon. Same drug different drug company. The clinic switched just after my cancelled cycle.

Feeling very tired this time around, bit headachy too. Had two blood tests already this cycle. One to confirm baseline and was due for full blood screen again as last one was a year ago, the other was today as my TSH was up so they tested my T3, T4 and TSH again. Nurse text tonight to say all fine and my thyroxine dose can stay as is. Thank god for that as cant afford to lose any more weight, sitting at 58 kgs again which is optimal for this cycle. Trying to get more than exercise this cycle but with cold weather and feeling so tired its hard.

Started my Orgalutran injections tonight so another tomorrow then off for a scan Friday morning to check on these follicles. Please let there be enough to proceed. The more on the right ovary the better as that means well collect from both this time. Dont care how uncomfortable it makes me!

Really hoping DHs doctors appt tomorrow goes ok. Hes been unwell all week which is just typical as was sick for our first cycle too. He went to after-hours on weekend and they said just a virus but his wheezing sounds worse. Need him in tip top shape this time next week.

Will update again post scan wirh some good news hopefully 

Review meeting, the pill, Gonal F and IMSI

So we met with our RE back in June to talk about laprascopic egg collection or the possibility of moving my right ovary into the right location for a transvaginal egg collection. It was great to be able to get that appt with her as they normally would not book a review after a cycle fail. Both DH and i went that time as he also had questions to ask as well. It was a positive outcome, she saw things from our side, we are concerned that another cancel might mean the end of our funding so we want to make sure we are making the right decisions. There is no way the ovary will be relocated and if removed it wont make any difference to the function of my left so its staying put. So there is only one thing for it. Surgery! Yes again, oh and to take the pill...?!? Who would have thought. This was to time my cycle to make egg collection/surgery on a Thursday or Friday as apparently surgeons do the hard surgeries at start of week so they arent doing rounds on the weekend, fair enough! They are hopefully going in to access the follicles on my right ovary if it produces better again, its not even meant to be working but it surprises us everytime.

Plan we put in place was to let July cycle run its course after i had two periods in June to see if it straightened itself out, turns out we were all ill prepared for a July start anyway, she was going on leave, i had major project lanuches at work,family drama and something was telling me we just needed more time. So we decided to start me on the pill my August cycle. Easier said than done. It started slow so my nurse and I had trouble determining CD1. We did a blood test to check my levels as this month it was non-existent again, same thing happened last month, i blame it on the IVF meds. Finally we decided to just take it anyway so yesterday was my last pill, i have been taking it for just on a week.

Tomorrow I pick up my meds, my clinic yas changed from Puregon to Gonal F so will be on 175iu again this time seen i overstimmed on my first cycle. Friday will be a blood test to check the pill is outta my system and Saturday I start my meds! Its finally happening again, i dont feel as prepared as i hoped to be but you know what, life happens. Im not getting onto this homeopath, acupuncture, no sugar bandwagon. Im just hoing to eat healthy, exercise where I can and try to get to bed earlier. If its gonna work its gonna work. Im not going to look back if it doesnt and point out all the reasons why it didnt work. We cant do that to ourselves. We will move on. We have to, got no other choice.

So! Next update will be quick updates from my appts over next few days then IMSI cycle #1 ( IVF cycle #3).

Post cycle injections and hitting 60 kgs!

So this week has been long and busy which is good as it has kept my mind off our cancelled cycle andwhat's  happening in my body right now. Its Queens Birthday weekend here in NZ so losing a day next week as we have Monday off unfortunately for me means cramming one day of work into the week prior. 

Monday 25.05 after the scan I was sent home with more Orgalutran to take through until my next bloods on Thursday 28.05 to stop my follicles from releasing or ovulating. The didnt do that last time due to needing to proceed with a fresh transfer and I was In a considerable amount of pain. I think it was nice they offered to do that but its not my favourite injection as the needle is quite big, my Puregon injections were with micro fine needles.

Thursday came and I was running late! School and work traffic makes it hard to get across several suburbs to the clinic from my house. I just made it to blood centre near my my clinic in time to get morning bloods drawn, if they make it on the 8.30am courier you get results same day. 

To be honest Thursdays are my busiest days without having a whole extra days work in there so I had forgotten that I would be expecting a call...it must of been 5.30pm when I got a call from one of my nurses, i was stuck on an urgent work call to Nelson when my cell rang so had a phone in each ear. My FS had requested 3 more days of Orgalutran as my Estrogen levels were still too high. Damn it! Clinic was closing in 10 mins and no way for me to make it in time, so my lovely Nurse offered to put the needles in her letterbox at her home which was just down road from the clinic. So nice! I was able to finish up work and drive over to her place to get them and still do my injection at 9.30pm as normal.

Finally ive made it to the weekend. I slept in this morning as I havent realised past couple of days what my body is actually doing. I'm swollen, ive put on about 1 1/2 kgs this week im thinking fluid (hoping wasnt the large pizza i had to myself last night) and bowels which also arent working to well, im putting it down to the hormones and the fact AF is due next week. Ive hit 60 kgs this morning which i thinks pretty good considering. That puts my BMI well and truely where they want it. Its taken me 2 1/2 years to get here as Christmas 2012 i think is when I was at my lowest weight at around 49kgs. Hope it stays on, must admit i dont feel comfortable at this weight but willing to keep it on for fertility reasons. I have to go through a whole cycle before talking to my clinic again to get meds out of my system so will keep an eye on it. 

This weekend its time to get my head straight as ive thrown myself a little pity party this week.. it's maybe happened this way for a reason? With all thats gone on past few weeks and this week being so chaotic could I have made it through to an egg collection and transfer?? I just keep telling myself that...that its not our turn yet for a reason.

I will be looking into my surgery options for our next cycle and hopefully book time with my specialist to talk it through with her in the next few weeks.

In the meantime i need to get fit and eat healthy, get rest, all of the things i havent been so great at this month and wait... yes... more waiting.

TTC - IMSI cycle #1 - CD11 - CANCELLED

Today was our second scan, to see how these follicles were growing. I knew they were doing something as I was starting to get pretty uncomfortable on the right side. I went to this scan by myself as DH had an appt and a lecture this morning so went in for bloods, this time running late because I slept in, still managed to get my blood on the first courier of the day, only just tho.

Made it to my appt on time, luckily my fertility clinic is in the same block as my blood centre. It was an 8.40am appt this time so busier than normal. I didnt have to wait long. I was having a med student for my appt this morning which I dont mind at all, im a special case so if they can learn from me all the better!

I had my specialist this morning which was great, she knows my case well so we got straight into it. Starting on my left we saw only 5 leading follicles but still only at 14-15mm, bugger, straight away was a disappointing result. Both her and I had a hunch that we would find something going on on the right, especially with the aching i was starting to experience. Took a while to find it today but when she did it was obviously a better result. 12 follicles!!! with lead follicles at 19-21mm. Are you kidding me?!?! She explained to the med student would be an otherwise good result if we could access that ovary. Time to get dressed and talk about our options.

As soon as I sat down I knew what was coming. "Not the results we were hoping for, i think we are going to have to cancel this cycle" which is what i was hoping she would say actually. It means we retain the funding for another full cycle and try and get better results, especially when paying $1k ontop of the cycle for IMSI. The fact id given myself 10+ injections to get to this point didnt bother me as we decided to add 3 more orgalutran injections to stop my follicles from ovulating and hope that they shrink away to avoid the great deal of pain I was in last cycle, lets hope it works. Not feeling as disappointed as i thought I would, i think its because deep down I know this is happening for a reason, surely. 

So, here we go again! Waiting for Cycle #3. I have to wait a full cycle out to make sure the meds are out of my system then try to book on for the cycle after that so looking at July/August now.

Plan now is to look at the option of paying for surgery on top of our last funded cycle to either attempt to relocate my right ovary or to collect from the follicles laparoscopically. We are not keen to risk cancelling over a bad result again as this cycle still probably could have continued if we had that option this time round as 17 follicles could have been plenty. We've got the time now to research so my next posts will be about what I find out. 

Onwards and upwards right... Its not over yet.

TTC - IMSI cycle #1 - CD1 to CD10

What a month to start a Cycle #2! 

No amount of preparing myself would of prepared me for that week.  CD1 arrived Friday 15.05 the day after we said goodbye to my cousin and before a weekend of preparation for her memorial service on the Sunday. I spent the morning organising a few things for her memorial table then went to Mums to help out and spend time with family. My nephew also was admitted to hospital Friday night, he was very unwell and we were up till 3am making sure he was ok as DH stayed up at the hospital with him while I stayed home and worried. Saturday 16.05 CD2 was first day of stim injections which to be honest I cant really remember that well as that day was a blur, lucky I was on the same dose of Puregon (175iu), its like riding a bike, once you know how its easy. Took them same time as last cycle which is 9.30pm which gave me plenty of time to get home as stayed for tea at my Mums. Sunday was a rough day for everyone so by the time Sunday night CD3 injections came around I was quite exhausted, mentally and emotionally drained. I had work to look forward to the following day and hoped that i would have a easy week at work, however that wasnt the case, anything that could go wrong seemed to go wrong so I found myself counting down the days and injections till scan day. Needed something positive to happen now this week, some good news.

I started my Orgalutran on Wednesday 20.05 and first scan was booked for Friday 22.05. We were early for blood test which was great as we missed the 8am rush, so therefore was early to scan. DH always seems to remember to pre warn the new specialists that havent seen me before to start on left ovary and not bother searching for the right, thats why i like taking him to all my scans, I assume they have time to read notes. She started on my left internally which was a pretty disappointing result really with only 2-3 leading follicles at only 8-11mms, the rest were still really small. Straight away we assumed it was my right leading the charge this cycle which it did quite a few times on my Clomid cycles. Yes, i knew it, there was at least 2-3 lead follicles there this time at 12-14mm. Damn it. The rest might not catch up in time. She decided to up my dose of Puregon to 225iu for 3 more days to try and grow the follicles some more with 3 more Orgalutran injections to stop me from ovulating and booked another scan for Monday 25.05 and see what would happen then.

I did finally get some positive news same day later that night from the nurse at my GP. My results had come back and levels we looking great. B12 good, TSH good, folate, iron, red blood cells all good, i did however have a lower than normal white blood cell count, not too much of an issue apparently as may be caused by my thyroid meds, better than a raised level tho as means im infection free. Finally some good news.

DH went and had a lovely dinner with my Dad and had a few laughs, nice end to an otherwise crappy week.

Losing a loved one

It still doesn't even feel real. I keep hoping someone tells me its just all been a dream.

Last week my cousin passed away so suddenly it left us all breathless. She had just been away for the weekend with her partner and we know she had fun as she posted on facebook the day she left us saying how much fun she had and couldnt wait to go back. She had been very unwelll for sometime, deep down we were all preparing ourselves for this, just thought we had more time with her.

She was the strongest and bravest, kindest and funniest chick you'll meet. its not going to be the same at Xmas and on our birthdays now, she always came with a smile no matter how she was doing. i really hoped she would meet our first born, she was so excited we were doing IVF, that breaks my heart.

I know she will be with us on this journey, to give me the strength to keep going, to cheer me up when i need it and to help me smile through it.

We'll miss you Karen Michelle xxx ❤️

Drug collection, Sperm Analysis and GP visit

Collected my drugs from Clinic on Thu 7.05.15. Was a quick visit with just me this time. As im on cycle #2 and exact same drug regime it was really just a quick catchup to make sure i didnt have any questions for them.

I had a new nurse this time, she was over from the public hospital so we hadnt met yet. We went over the details left on my file and confirmed a few details of how his cycle will go, i remembered everything from last time so that made the appointment really easy for her and quick for me.

I only really had a few questions about when to book in IMSI and whether we needed to add PICSI to that and she had to duck out to ask the other nurses. We decided that decisions would be made once DHs sample results were in, he was due to do that following day Fri 8.05.15 so results would be back before i started stimming. She wrote a note on my file to call with the resuts as soon as they came in. 

Fri afternoon heard from the lab, results were no worse or no better than our last cycle, which wasnt what we had hoped for but it is what we were prepared for. DH still continues to take the Menevit as there is no harm in it, we just know its not really going to make much of a difference really.

My fertility specialist would ultimately be making the call re IMSI so we will wait for her to decide.

In the meantime im still quitely stressing about my lack of prenatal vitamin consumption so I decided to book a GP appt to get her opinion. DH and I decided to do a double appt as she is both of our doctors. She decided to test what she could so did my thyroid, b12, iron and few others.  DH will be getting a full checkup at some point re the heart disease in his family so she ran some for him too, cholesterol and few others.

Results i will update with later as still havent called to get them.

Less than 3 weeks to go! ICSI Cycle #2

So its not long till Cycle #2. It seemed so far away when we were at our review on 30th March. 

We had big plans to be well rested, exercising more, eating healthy for this cycle, to be well prepared. 

For the most part Im really trying with the sleep side of things, maybe next week haha. I keep saying that.. there are just not enough hours in the day! 

Diet seems to be going great, the less junk i eat the more i want to eat healthy, I quit coffee again start of April and trying to do all the research I can on balanced eating to get my vitamin intake right, easier said than done. Im not able to take prenatal vitamins as NZ standards mean they have added iodine and i cant have that with my Thyroxine. DH is taking Menevit tho, wish we could have got him on it sooner but 6 weeks out is better than nothing. Supplements are not proven to help and can sometimes be harmful so consult your GP or midwife first, i have a GP appt next week to hopefully get my levels checked, particularly worried about my Iron.

Exercise, im still doing my stairclimbing at work, bikeriding on weekends and prenatal yoga every second day, not busting my hump as I want to maintain that exercise through stims, gonna find myself a heartrate monitor for my wrist. 

No acupuncture, no weird herbal recipes, no lemon water, pineapple core. Just keeping it simple. 

Still can not decide on ICSI, PICSI or IMSI. We will wait for DHs pre sample sample in a week or so and make some decisions from there. We are hoping to also freeze a sample too this time. Hopefully get that done before drug collection on 7th May.

Next post will be once I know whats happening.

Review with Fertility Clinic - IMSI or ICSI?

Today we had our follow up/review with our RE to talk through our failed ICSI cycle. 

It felt like forever since we received news that our first ICSI cycle was unsuccessful. It really has only been two weeks, it's gone fast, being back at work has been a good distraction.

Our RE was quite surprised that we had a negative result, everything looked good on paper when we started the cycle, I nearly over-responded to the meds, our embryo looked good, the transfer went well however as it was a Day 3 transfer there is no telling if the embryo made it to a Day 5 blasty, or just didnt stick.

Meds - they think I responded fine, we will keep the next treatment cycle the same. Same iu of Puregon and Orgalutran, another short protocol which is super good news!!

Sperm quality - We talked at length about DH's sperm samples and why there was a drastic change form his October 14 sample compared to his February/March 15 treatment sample. It sometimes happens. As he is not overweight, he doesn't smoke, doesn't drink too much and otherwise eats healthy we put it down to him having a virus that week and being possibly run-down. She gave his boys a quick once-over and confirmed there was nothing out of the ordinary that could contribute, so we have some reading to do on the techniques to improve sperm quality.

Egg quality - she thinks its fine, out of our 12 eggs only 8 were fit for fertilisation, the other 4 had issues. The 'ICSI' part of the fertilisation process went well as there were no notes to suggest otherwise, 6 of the 8 just didn't develop, we had 2 fertilised, but with a Day 3 transfer the odds are never really good, that's when miracles happen. She will meet with the Embryogist again to see if they have anything further to add but really its a chance thing.. more eggs, more embryo's ...more chances.

Elevit and Menevit. We didn't want to have to go there but we will now. We do eat healthy but feel its important to give our bodies all the little extra's it may need, its not proven it makes a difference but willing to give it a try. DH will do another sample after 4+ weeks on the Menevit and we will see if that has made a difference. If we are still looking at a poor sample they may look at performing a TESA (sperm is aspirated from the testicle via micro surgery) for our next cycle (DH sooo keen for that NOT to happen). This should be covered by our funding so would be an option at this stage.

Laproscopic egg retrieval from right ovary? Doing this privately would cost a minimum of $10k and even that isnt guaranteed to improve our chances, some woman get 24 eggs and still end up with 2 embryos. That would be the cost of a third IVF cycle so we have decided against that option. The pain I suffered from just letting the eggs release on their own was not as bad as I thought and totally bearable so we will be doing that again.

So...outcome?..we are booked in again for Cycle #2 early June 15! woop woop! I still have to confirm if that is when she's booked us for the transfer during that time (starting stims on May cycle) or she will wait for my June cycle to start stims, either way that's not far away! That gives us 12 weeks for me to have a couple of normal cycles, let the vitamins kick in, assess DH's follow up sample and to make some decisions about the options.

It has now been suggested that we try IMSI, its a fairly new procedure that will assist the embryologists to zoom in even further and select the very best sperm for fertilisation. Its not covered by public funding but we want it! so likely we will be doing IMSI next time, all will be confirmed in May.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/auckland/local-news/7505965/Picking-out-best-sperm-boosts-pregnancy-chances 

I talked to her about all the 'whispers' you hear in the infertility community, all the things I worried about in my last cycle. Acupuncture is not proven to work so im opting for a relaxing massage instead. Exercise she said not a must, if I don't feel like it don't do it. I will be getting back into my prenatal yoga, stair-climbing, walking, biking in the meantime. One thing we will be changing is SLEEP! 8 hours a must this time round. As for eating pineapple core and drinking lemon water? I say don't believe everything you read. If they really thought that would help me, they would have told me. 

We will have more idea of treatment time-frame once I track my April and May cycles, i'll let you know when the countdown begins! 

Our first BFN and ICSI/IVF Fail #1

So I woke this morning at 7.00am to do my pessaries and pills and decided to go back to bed for a sneaky sleeping while I waited for the clinic to call. It was cold and I didn't want to get up and be tired again today, these meds have really been turning me into a zombie.

They called and woke me up just before 8.00am, the clinic opens then and she really kept her promise by calling me straight away first thing. I was sooo sleepy but she kept it short and sweet.

"We have your results, they are negative, I'm really sorry". What is she sorry for? its not her fault? She felt so bad, I think first for making me wait and then again for bad news. I almost felt sorry for her as I bet that part of the job is really hard for them. She asked if I wanted the counsellor to call, I said I would be fine as between my family, friends, workmates and FB group ladies I have plenty of support, esp from those that have been through this many times. Difference is I was more prepared for the bad news than I was the good. Somehow I knew, I could tell, symptoms or no symptoms, I knew I wasn't pregnant, I could have been for a short time but knew I wasn't then. Everyone kept telling me to stay positive, its pretty hard when all the odds are stacked against you. IVF fails for all sorts of reasons, we knew going into it that we were not going to be the ones with a first go BFP. That would have been a freaking miracle. This is the struggle of infertility.

We have a review appt with our RE on 30th March. This will be a recap of Cycle #1, to talk about Cycle #2 and hopefully formalise a plan. 

I am concerned my endometriosis might have started to grow back by now, my OB/GYN did say 6 months after my op, i'll be taking to my RE about that, DH's sperm and what we can do to improve that for next time, so many questions.

Well that's it for now, off out today to get some jobs done finally, I'm back to work tomorrow, glad it's only for one day as I will spend this weekend getting the house and garden back in order, that will make me feel better. Feels weird that life is back to normal all of a sudden, IVF really is like living in the twilight zone for a month.

TTC - ICSI cycle #1 - CD28

Wednesday 11.03.15 - CD28. it was finally here after a looong wait.

The day we had all been waiting for. The day of our first beta-HCG blood test, the day we will find out the results. I did not cave, did not buy a HPT as I think they stress you out even more. I decided to stay home this day as I wanted to speak to the clinic when they phoned rather than them leave a message. I knew if I went out I would either be driving or wouldn't hear my phone (as you know I wouldn't have ended up at the mall shopping).

I was up at 5.45am as the blood collection centre based near our fertility clinic gets very busy so I was there waiting in the car at 7.00am when it opened. You have to have test done prior to 8.00am if you want early results through. There were already 2 before me and one guy turned up as I entered centre, then another 2 as I sat down. Its such a busy place. I was done by 7.20am. Off home I went to wait for the results.

I had planned to keep busy but it was freezing so ended up mooching for most of the day, did a few jobs here and there but still didn't want to overdo it, thought it was best to save all my housework till Thursday as last day before going back to work.

Lets just say it was a looooong wait. Midday came, still no call. DH turned up home for lunch and persuaded me to phone the clinic to chase results about 2.00pm. I got the answering machine. I told him I'd call again by 3.30pm if no call. I called then and left a message. The do the final clear of the answering machine at 4.30pm daily so im sure I will get a call today.

I got a call on my mobile at 4.30pm. They still haven't got my HCG results. They had my Progesterone and E2 which both looked good but no HCG, apparently there was an issue with the analyser at the lab. They were hopeful they would get the results that night and call me as they were all working late. You've got to be joking right? Isn't that just my luck? 

Another call at 5.00pm, this time still no results, she apologised profusely for the agonising wait and told me I was first on the list for a call in the morning if they could get the results through that night.

Seems that we have had some really shitty luck so far on this cycle. DH and I never really have anything in our lives run smoothly, so we can take it. I just really hope they call first thing so I can get on with my day. 

TTC - ICSI cycle #1 - CD26

Today is the first day of my last week off work. Man that went fast! It will be great to have something else to focus on going back to work, just not looking forward to the stress levels again, this is the year to not let it get to me. Easier said than done.

I went out for a lovely dinner with my family on the weekend for my brothers birthday. Was great to put on some make-up and jewellery and go out somewhere. Forgot I was PUPO for a while there until someone asked how things were going so DH filled them in and showed them a pic of our wee Emby1 at 8 cells before it went back in. He's so proud. 
I keep forgetting that it is still possible at this stage! As we have not had the best luck so far I just keep having a gut feeling that it hasn't worked. I don't know why... maybe it's because I have no obviously symptoms? Maybe its because of all the other stories of IVF that I am surrounded by? I supposed as of yesterday the HCG would have only just started kicking in. I will be shocked beyond belief if we get levels high enough for a BFP.

Today I am 9dp3dt, I can't believe we are now so close to 'the blood test'. I haven't posted much over last three days as there hasn't been much to report. Trying not to be on symptom watch, if anything I seem to be feeling slightly better. The bloating as subsided quite a bit, don't get me wrong I'm still bloated just not feeling so huge. Cramping seems to be off and on but it's hard to distinguish what exactly is crampy as it has been my ovaries, my stomach, my bowels. Definitely no spotting so far. Still feeling peeky throughout the day, normally when I havent eaten, rolling between being hungry and not, I am trying to eat all my food groups and snack across the day but yesterday gave into my cheese cravings and ate a little two much so spent a few hours on the couch after that.. Definitely thirsty so have been drinking as much water as I can from the moment I wake up to the when I go to sleep. It has been hot here so that's probably not helping. Tired? yes lots. I have been going back to bed in the morning after my 7.00am pessaries and pill and getting about 10 hours sleep most days. That is really helping. Having a lazy day again today as I'm out to visit a friend tomorrow in the afternoon.

So, CD28 (Wednesday) is the day, will update again once we get the call with results.